I haven't felt like writing lately...actually, I haven't felt like doing much of anything lately. It's so strange - it feels like we've been without my grandpa for months and yet we only just buried him last week.
I haven't wanted to hang out with my friends, I haven't wanted to go shopping, I haven't wanted to be on FaceBook or blog. It's still an awful thought to me that life is going on without him. I have felt like if I just stay away from everything, life will stand still. He won't have missed anything.
I know it's still so new and I know that it will get better, but it's just hard to see people so happy during the holidays when one of the most important people is missing from our lives. But I know that grandpa wouldn't want this for me. He wouldn't want me to go on like this - this half hearted life I've been living.
He would want me to make Christmas cookies with my girls, take them to see Santa, kiss my husband under the mistletoe, wrap presents while listening to Christmas music, visit friends, play outside in the snow. He would want me to have a joyful holiday. He would want me to go on living, as painful as it may be without him. To remember the memories we had together while creating new ones with my family.
Yes...this is what he would want from me. And so I'm going to give myself one more night to cry and when I wake up tomorrow I'm going to take my girls outside to play in the snow. I'm going to bring them to see Santa and bake sugar cookies to bring to friends...I'm going to do this, all the while knowing that my grandpa is smiling down at me...
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There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. ~George Sand
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December
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- Merry Christmas!
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- Marc V. Gutchell July 5, 1921 - December 7, 2009
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9 comments:
Oh sweetie. I've been thinking of you everyday and wanted to touch base. But I know how you are feeling but I cannot imagine at this time of the year. hugs
I have been hoping you would resurface after a bit. It is so hard to lose loved ones but always know he isn't missing anything and is always with you, even more so now than before. He will be there to share every special moment including little Emma's very first Christmas. Hug your girls tight and know he will be looking down on you.
Hey Jen, I have been thinking about you everyday. I know I should try to lift you up and to tell you it will be okay, but it is hard to get through. There are still times and situations where I hold my breath and I want that moment in time to stand still. I want my brother to be here to see it all and that he is missing out on so much. I try to literally drag myself out of bed and then I still remain in a fog throughout the day. The fog never goes away but your eyes get stonger to be able to see through the fog to the better things on the other side. To see the wonderful things waiting for you once you do get through the fog. I am thinking about you everyday and I hope you have an amazing holiday with your two beautiful girls and your wonderful husband. (((HUGS)))
I am so sorry. It's no wonder grief has knocked you for a loop. They say it comes and goes; I hope you are able to enjoy getting back into activities and family time--but at the same time it must be so hard to come into the holiday season with the loss so fresh. Warm thoughts to you all.
Beautiful post! I know exactly what you mean...it is so hard to imagine a world without him. It just doesn't seem possible.
just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you. The 1st of EVERYTHING without that cherished loved one is soooo very hard. I hope you can enjoy Christmas through your girls' eyes even though a very special part of your heart is missing. I'm thinking about you and wrapping my arms around you from far away!! HUGS!!
Many hugs to you Jen.
Sending prayers your way. I am going through the exact same thing, having lost my Papa in November. I praying for strength and peace for you. It's so hard.
sending tons of hugs to you!
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