I remember Monday

I remember...falling in love with Matti - part two...

Once I was done crying, I went to bed. My whole world had changed with the words I had just said to Matti. Our relationship had changed. Everything. Had. Changed. Have you ever woken up when something bad has happened and hope and pray that what you had experienced was just a dream and not your life? I felt that way for quite a while. Matti and I had a talk and we both said it wouldn't change our relationship, but how can it not? How could we look at each other the same?

That summer, we continued to hang out. We went to dinners, we went on car rides, we went on picnics, downtown with our friends, had late night talks. All the while, my poor friends and family (who didn't know him well) sat back, frustrated and confused as to why I would keep spending time with him. In their opinion, he was sending me mixed signals - we were as close as two people could be, yet I had put my heart out on the line and he had rejected me.

I would spend my days making it through work or school - whichever I had going on that day - and would rush to get home so I could spend time with Matti. It crushed me to be so close to him, yet I also couldn't stay away.

Finally, in October, we decided to go camping in Acadia National Park. My friends and family were shocked that I would go with him for a couple of reasons. One - anyone in the Northeast knows that October in Maine is cold. Very cold. Especially at night. Two - need I remind you what happened on my twenty-first birthday??

It took us about 9 hours by car to get to Acadia. We talked the entire time. We talked about our hopes and dreams, told funny stories about our childhood, played our little game that we had been playing over the past year - "tell me one thing I don't know about you", we laughed. It felt good. It was also bittersweet. I remember thinking that I wanted to talk to him like this for the rest of my life. That I could never tire of hearing him. He made me want to be better than I was. To be smarter. To be stronger. To be kinder.

We spent that first day setting up our site and talking by the campfire. We drank beers and stared at the sky. It got colder and we bundled up. Finally we crawled into our tent and snuggled up in our sleeping bags. We continued to whisper to each other, as to not wake up any other campers. Finally, after a 9 hour car ride and an evening spent around the campfire talking the entire time, we were silent. I remember laying my head on his chest with my hand on his stomach. We laid there like that for a while. Then, as though we both had the same thought, we just looked at each other. There was a moment where I don't think that either of us knew what was going to happen next. Slowly, we leaned in and kissed each other. And everything - every memory, every tear shed, every joke, every conversation, every car ride, every story told to each other, every picnic, every late night spent talking - went into that kiss.

To this day, that was one of the most memorable and happy moments of my life. I never wanted to let go of him that night, and still don't. As with every couple who has been together for a while, we have our ups and downs. We argue just like everyone else. But... At the end of the day, we are each other's best friends and have been that way for over ten years. I couldn't imagine my life without him...

"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."

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